Friday, July 04, 2008

Marriage is not a bed of roses

Repeat after me

Marriage is not a bed of roses
Marriage is not a bed of roses
Marriage is not a bed of roses

Did you get that? If it didn't sink in please repeat till it does.

If you are on the outside looking in, it looks like paradise. A husband looking into his wifes eyes, holding her, kissing her, whispering sweet nothings in her ear. Yes it looks good. You figure it will be nice to have someone whos yours, to tell you he loves you, to hold your hand, to laugh and joke with, to keep you company, to support you, to share secrets with, to just BE with.

Oh and for some, to have someone who just showers you with gifts and money.Why not? Sikira's husband just bought her a 'brown' new flat in Lekki and see Happiness, her husband suprised her on valentines day with a Jeep. Heeeeeeeeeyy! Marriage is sweet oh! It shows he loves her so much. Me I go love oh! (Please why do people say that. It sounds so....wrong)

The reason we have people who have experienced life before us is to learn from their experiences. How can we keep making the same mistakes over and over again? Yes. if you didn't know, nothing happening now has not happened before. The way they happen may be different, but the basic story is always the same.

A friend asked her friend how married life was and she responded "Marriage is overrated!' Several bloggers complain about their marriages in anonimity. People are getting emotionally and physically abused all the time.Spouses are bored and unfaithful and divorces are on the increase.

Before you decide to take that vow...OPEN YOUR EYES.

WRONG REASONS FOR GETTING MARRIED

I'll summarize a book I read ages ago by Barbara DeAngelis.

Don't get married

....because you are under Pressure (aka don't listen to your mother lol). No one is going into the marriage with you. Guess who has to deal with it all? Yes you.

...out of Desperation (aka don't be a desperado). Everyone has standards, if you value yourself, if you have some self-esteem, you won't compromise..Now its a whole different story if your standards are unrealistic.

...because of Sexual Hunger (aka everyone gets gragged). Its a cycle, it will pass.

...because of guilt. Just because you have been with someone for years or you owe them for something they did for you does not justify marriage. Neither does being pregnant.

...because you are not happy with your life. Worst thing you can do. Address your issues first, and be happy with your emotional and spiritual life before trying to be with someone else.

...because you need someone to provide for you- financially, emotionally, spiritually. Your happiness will depend on the actions of someone else.

LOVE IS CONFUSING

This word called Love. Since Love is so hard to explain and is different for so many people, I'd rather say what love isn't.

Love isn't lust. You can be attracted to several people, some even intensly. Because a certain someone has cute eyes, or a sexy body or Matthew Mcconaughey's dimples..(you haven't noticed? WHAT? Sacrilege), this doesn't mean you are in Love.

Love does not happen overnight. Bobo sees Sisi across the room in a club filled with people shaking their thing(s)...imagine, all the way from across the room and yet there was that connection. His eyes caught hers, theres something there. It was meant to be! No, thats not all it takes.

You don't have your 'ONE' true love waiting for you somewhere obscure.

Love is not all you need. Yes I know that Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman stood at the top of a building and screamed 'ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE'. Tsk tsk Moulin Rouge. You need more.

SO WHAT SHOULD ONE LOOK OUT FOR

Spot those Fatal Flaws... There are several examples in the book including incompatibility (for some- religion etc), lack of sexual chemistry and compatibility (sexual dysfunction), past emotional trauma, addictions, character flaws (anger, emotional problems, control freak), and co-dependency. Don't try to rescue anyone, you are not a Saviour.

Spot the Deal Breakers...if you don't like smokers, don't date/marry a smoker. Simple as that. There are things you just can't deal with and when you are married these annoying characteristics will only annoy you more. Don't go into a relationship/marriage expecting the person to change. Some people have deal breaker lists which they verbalize to their significant others (when the time is right of course...I envision a lass clearing her throat and reading out a long list as the credits of the movie roll by). Be subtle.

Make a list of what you want in a partner. It makes sense to know what you want rather that to blow with the wind. You can use this guage your compatibility. Are you compatible spiritually, emotionally (open, comminucates, handles conflict well etc, attitude) , socially (out-going, reserved etc), sexually, physically (smokes or not, keeps fit etc, hobbies), financially (financial goals, ambition, debt etc).

A list is one thing, real life is another because nobody is perfect, no one is going to meet 100% of your criteria, you have to give room for that. A lot of times people make lists of what they want but don't actually have most of the qualities they are looking for. Its important to constantly work on yourself too.

MARRIAGE IS WORK

So with Love and compatibility present, two people coming together as one is a wonderful thing. One final thing is Commitment.

Weddings are beautiful, people all around you planning, planning, planninnnggg and then celebrating, then honeymooning. Then its over! Back to reality. Time for the marriage to really begin. Its you and your man- for life.

This is where all the lessons begin and hopefully if you lay the foundation right, you both will be able to deal with both the great times and the not so great times.


Anymore additions?

34 comments:

Anonymous said...

Your title, "MarriaBe'! lol.

And this seems like an angry post! Very true, but angry... calm down dear! lol

The Life of a Stranger called me said...

First.

Off to read............. miss ya babes

The Life of a Stranger called me said...

Ohh no... comment moderation.. will have to wait tentively to find out if im first.. the pressure, the pressure.. ok off now to read.... looks like a fab post already.. Im ready noww..

The Life of a Stranger called me said...

Wow, we ll said/ written. Very pertinent, especially as we are now in the wedding seasons. A must read for all the single gals out there. BE prepared, and keep preparing yourself. Know what you want, and not let others confuse you into another. Lovely post as always.

So on a totally random note, when will you be doing an update/bog gossip as you one used to. Totally enjoyed "those times"...

TaureanMinx said...

@anonymous, no anger on my part. Don't misread my tone...its just one saying beware. At least do your part let God do the rest.
@LOASCM, miss those days too oh. I'm getting back into things!

Calabar Gal said...

True Talk! Hit the nail on the head. Ur 'sensible' head rearing itself as usual?!?!?! (smile)

Does this have anything to do with the drama going on, on mirage's blog right now?

Allied said...

You said it all oh...

Also, What works for Tayo's marriage may not work for Bukky's marriage oh...

Stop working on other peoples clock

Allied said...

Also, what works for Tayo's marriage may not work for Bukky's marriage!!

People need to stop working on other clocks

geisha said...

people say marriage is not easy so much so that, like the words 'i love you', it has begun to sound so empty. don't get me wrong- i totally agree with the points you stated. it's just so wearying-is that a real word?- thinking about it, wondering about what attributes to look out for, wondering if a wonderful personality but no chemistry is worth throwing away jus for some hot sex that cannot stay home. what is the right balance? and how will you ever know? It's so tiring because one can never know. And thinking about it drives me mad. look to God, i guess is the only option then, but i know couples who find happiness only in God and not in each other and it's just as heartbreaking. and omg matthew m.'s (sp eluded me :-p) dimples... dreamy :)

Ps- thanx for your vote, in advance :)

temmy tayo said...

Very true talk T Minx. I have quite a number of friends rushing to marry because of the reasons you mentioned.

I have concluded LOVE is funny and life is a twist.

Boso said...

Very well stated !! Absolutely true.

Love is blind, but marriage is an eye opener !!

Lee said...

True words, its only the Grace of God that can help all of us.

Anonymous said...

http://chiomamom.blogspot.com/2008/06/your-man-bridesmaid-caught-in-act-day.html

Anonymous said...

I think we as people complicate the institution of marriage. There is only one true thing that can hold a marriage - love. Love should be the foundation and every other thing such as attraction, trust etc are the rest of the structure.

You may dislike smokers but fall in love with a smoker. If this is the only fault you can pin point it is not enough reason not to marry the 'smoker'. As long as he/she wants to quit (might take years mind you) all you can do is help.

Who are we to judge others eating habits, spoken english etc. If you have a relationship where you are comfortable enough to point out these issues with love and he/she is willing to learn to speak properly. By all means help them.

That is love.

You will still come across other habits after marriage that you dislike. Learn to love he/she regardless of a petty flaw that has been exposed pre marriage. If not for any other reasons but to prepare you for other petty flaws you will no doubt uncover once you wed.

TaureanMinx said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
TaureanMinx said...

@anonymous, you should have explained what you mean by Love.

I don't believe love is enough to hold a marriage together. For me God is the foundation, then love but other things come into play. If smoking does not bother you although you don't like to smoke then thats fine but there is a big difference if you strongly are opposed to smoking. You may tolerate it at first but it will bug you in the end.

It might not be enough to break a marriage, after all its a habit not a character trait but like I said everyone has their dealbreakers... what works for you may not work for others. People have divorced over things like putting the toilet seat down.

Apart from that we are on the same page, I did mention that people have to be realistic in what they want in a partner. Petty Flaws were not part of the dealbreakers.

I don't consider smoking a petty flaw, which is prob why I used it as an example but thats where being an individual comes in.

LondonBuki said...

LOL @ being angry... I feel you jare, you're just frustrated abi?

Things that have happened in our parents and/or their friend's marriages should teach us that marriage is for life so you need to think LONG and HARD before you get married.

I haven't been married yet or come close to it so I don't know what it's like but I am the kind of person who learns from other people's mistakes, experiences.

E.G. I haven't had my heart broken more than once but listening to me, one'd think I have because of how uncomfortable I am with meeting a new person and getting into a new relationship - because of other people's experiences I have witnessed.

Was just going a little off topic there... lol.

But... people NEED to realise marriage is for L-I-F-E! As in... till death.

I am not sure what makes a good, beautiful marriage but when I find out, if ever it's revealed to me... you'll be at my wedding, lol.

Anonymous said...

1 Corinthians 13
4 Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude.
5 It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;
6 it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth.
7 It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never ends. But as for prophecies, they will come to an end; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will come to an end.

If you truly love, there will be no deal breaker. God is the foundationa in all things. But after that Love is the foundation in marriage. You have to work on the other things like trust, patience etc. You cannot work on love. You either love or you dont.

TaureanMinx said...

I need other peoples opinion on this. If the guy starts to slap you around and you love him, does love still apply? There are fundamental flaws one has to be sensible to avoid, I disagree that there are no deal breakers.

You should also love yourself, if you do then you won't accept certain behaviours no matter how large and accomodating your heart is.

Anonymous said...

You know Tminx, like most things in life, there are no cut and dried answers. Every situation is unique and yes, wether we like it or not, adverse situations are going to occur in spite of our best sensible efforts. The matters raised in your post will minimize the risk of getting involved in the wrong marriage but...some will still slip the net. Tminx, many christian marriages are also breaking down or have become silent. Nothing is fool-proof and I believe everyone ought to bear this in mind.

Now knowing that, you still must make sensible choices and you still should put God first because if you both reverence God and follow his voice, chances are things will work for you.

And I agree with you, there are deal breakers, if a guy is slapping you around, first try to resolve it and if you can't, my advice is carry your two legs and walk. The dead cannot resolve no issues. You can only pray that such guy or woman will eventually come to their senses.

Eniola said...

@ anonymous 3:45

"If you truly love, there will be no deal breaker." It sounds like hollywood romantic drivel...no offense

I think the issue here is the premise that love is the foundation of a marriage. Don't get me wrong, love is more than needed in a union, it is the oil that lubricates, it puts the sparks in a relationship, it makes it sweeter. But by all means, basing a marriage on emotions only and expecting love to bear all and smooth out any kinks (when you could have just avoided the issues by not marrying the person in the first place)is a very naive and dangerous ground to tread. Just ask any married person.

Marriage is hard, it is difficult, it involves compromises...the more differences between a couple, the more compromise, the more bending over, the more you have to give in, and eventually people get tired, they snap and that is why the divorce rate is HIGH.

The things you are calling petty flaws in reality can turn out to be not so petty.

Yes we must all exhibit the love of 1 Corinthians 13, in all our relationships, not just marriage.

In marriage though, selecting the right mate, knowing yourself, knowing your own deal breakers will go a long way to making marriage easier, cos the thing is difficult anyway.

TaureanMinx said...

@anonymous, since two people are involved, you can only do your part to make the marriage work and things will defintely be easier if you are compatible with your partner. As for me there is no matter to resolve once a man starts to hit you...and a man does not suddenly out of the blue turn from a calm person to a rageholic. The signs will always be there.

@Eniola, you were able to articulate this better. Well said.

Pink-satin said...

well spoken!!!marriage aint a bed of roses o!

@ and first anonymous i dont think its an angry post its just a FACT!!!many pple are blinded by the whole fairytale marriage...a lot of hardwork goes into making a marriage work

and i feel u on if u dont like smokers dont marry one!!you may fall in love with one...but the smoking thing may irritate you forever and make u grumble and then d guy gets tired of ur nagging and wat next...separation..Love isnt stupid and i think u have to us ur brain and not only your heart!!while marriage is a risk..its only GOD we need in choosing that compatible person for us!!!

Pink-satin said...

eniola well said!

30+ said...

@Anon 6:50pm, I actually don't think it sounds angry more like a stern warning / caution.

And Tminx I share your opinion, enuff marriages breaking to cause one to shine eye.

@Anon 5:40pm which one is fall in love.

Godisalive said...

I am with you on the marriage thing..I am so for researching on the institute of marriage before getting into it.

I find that girls of nowadays jump in as a fashion trend even the well educated ones. We should all instead be educating ourselves as with any new territory, research is more than essential.

Read books, attend conferences, go for pre-marital counselling, while ur dating if u find any traits you dont like dont keep it in like it's just a phase, mention it and help each other.

I have been in a relationship myself for 5yrs now and still going strong. We have spoken about getting hitched and possibly will do in the near future but even though I know him very well, I am still discovering new things and educating myself.

Questions like when we have kids, what style of discipline are you for or against is very necessary as an example.

Above all, trusting in God will help us all see the unseeable before we jump in so we don sink

xx

Anonymous said...

Tminx, stranger things have happened, keep living. People can and do change for the worse every now and then. You cannot always see what a person is going to be in 10 years. You cannot always tell how an extremely frustrating circumstance can affect a person. Sometimes, we even surprise ourselves. We think we know ourselves and wham! something happens and you react in a way you never envisioned.

All I am saying is, you can do all the right things and yes, you minimize the chances of things going wrong but you can not eliminate them. That's why you (both) have to stick with God ...amongst other reasons of course.

And if you with your mouth vow to your partner and God that you will stick with someone for better or for worse then you owe it to yourself to at least try to resolve whatever issue...even if it means separating and then involving a counsellor, or elder relatives or whatever you deem appropriate.

In my 26 years, the one thing I have learnt is very few things are cut and dried.

May God bless us with good husbands and prepare us to be good wives. Amen.

Anon 4:33

yankeenaijachick said...

Welcome back to blog world...been a while. Ya so damn right, marriage ain't no bed of roses. One should marry the one they love and not the one for rush. Stay cutie.

TaureanMinx said...

thanks everyone for your comments
@anon 4.33 I totally agree, and what I have said is not a blueprint to a perfect marriage..it just might make a good foundation. I just think that we all need to be careful with our choices and it seeems like people are making choices purely out of emotion and not common sense. Also things are never cut and dried as you said and perhapas I was being harsh when I said theres nothing to talk about if your husband starts to hit you... but its hard for me to believe someones personality can change 360 degrees in a second.

Anonymous said...

My Dear TMinx, Marriage is what you make it!! In my case my marriage is more than a bed of roses; it’s a bed of love, devotion, God's blessing and true and honest dedication and unimaginable companionship and commitment.
If marriage was THAT horrible why haven’t people stopped getting married! No amount of pressure and foolishness will allow the entire human race to continue if it was that horrible! (Having said that I am not one who believes you have to be married to be complete O!, ABEG I NO SO THAT ONE O)
To your friends who complain about marriage, do they also tell you when it is sweeter than honey! My dear you know that the voice of a sorrowful one is usually much louder than that of one in happiness, you know why? Because the ones in happiness are too busy basking in it to tell the world. And we humans just like to complain we want it good all the time which unfortunately is not possible.
Your points are GREAT, well written and all. You know the funny thing you haven’t even written a quarter what it takes to make a marriage a bed of roses or what you really most do to avoid a horrible one.
But lets be honest, life is HARD and so is marriage! Who is the smart ass that said “if you don’t have problems you are not living.” If you don’t go through tribulations in your marriage you wouldn’t appreciate your partner, your union and get to the next degree of closeness that make those old people die days after each other cause they don’t want to be on earth without the other.
So as a married woman I’m saying it loud and clear marriage is SWEET just as life is SWEET, its all about what you make it! If you focus on the ALL negatives in your life would you be happy? If not why do we focus so much on the negatives in marriage! We all need to be honest and realize nothing is EASY! Not even my sweeter than honey marriage but to say its not a bed of roses na lie, even roses get thorns no be so!
So my darling Tminx, I’m looking forward to you finding your life partner that God created just for you so will basking in love and true companionship that even when you are facing hard times in your marriage or relationship you remember the good times and know that is it SO worth it and no matter what you will say “MY MARRIAGE IS A BED OF BEAUTIFUL ROSES”!!!!

TaureanMinx said...

@anonymous, I'm happy to hear from one of the many happy married couples. I definitely am not against marriage and I hope my post does not come across as so. Your points are great. Thanks for your comment.

boorish male said...

Marriage is a three ring circus.
First engagement ring
Second wedding ring
And then suffering

Ingenious_RETARD said...

Marriage is not for everybody.

Society inundates us with this fact with a variety of examples.

Ironically, society also pressures all to get married and very often we comply for all the wrong reasons.

An individual's pursuit of happiness does not always overlap with the tenets of marriage, however, humans being the sheep that we are, ignore this fact and act against our self interest by aspiring blindly to societal expectations even when they're incompatible and perhaps conflict irredeemably with our values.

The premise; "Marriage is not a bed of roses" though insightful, is less important than the question "IS MARRIAGE FOR YOU?"

Anonymous said...

All this grammar! Marriage this...Marriage that...Paul clearly says it that not everyone has been called to be married...But since I have, here is the list of what I am looking for ...

1. TaureanMinx
2.Etomi
3.Taureanminx
4.Etomi
5. TaureanMinx

Now am I asking for too much? NOOOOO

So in the words of Jagged Edge "Baby lets get married, I just want to be married. Meet me at the altar in your white dress"