Friday, February 24, 2006


I love the 96.9 Cool Fm Good Morning Nigeria Show. I deliberately stall going to work early so that I can listen to Dan Foster, Gbemi, Victoria, Freeze and the others fool around and generally have a laugh. The traffic report from a helicopter sounds suspect, I reckon they are playing helicopter sounds in the studio and calling up LASTMA officials for traffic news because they get from Surulere to Ikoyi in record time!!! What a chopper!

The highlight of the show, apart from when Dan Foster is killing us with his inappropriate language and behavior for a morning show that kids may be listening to, is the cool candid phone. Dan calls up unsuspecting individuals and winds them up. Well people have started to pick up on his voice because it’s unique and he has an American accent so he delegates the prank calls to others.

This morning while I was trying to snap bare asses taking a dump into the marina with my camera phone (will post some as soon as I get a good shot), Simi* called Cool Fm, "I need you to wind up my cousin. Tell her you need to organise girls for some ministers etc etc". So Gbemi calls Toks* up. I'll try and re-enact the convo, these are in my own words.

Gbemi: "Hi, I got your number from you friend Sade*"
Toks: "Oh ok, hiiiiiiiiii"
Gbemi: "What’s up girl! Okay the thing is a few ministers and important people are coming in from Abuja and we need girls"
Toks: "Cool, that’s okay"
Gbemi: "Really? We need you to help us round up a few girls to go out with them. I'll be there with my friends too"
Toks: “That’s fine, how many girls do you need?”
Gbemi: “About 4 girls”
Toks: “Including me right?”
Gbemi: “Yeah, but of course, you and four other girls so that would be five girls in total.”
Toks: “I understand, no problem.”
Gbemi: “Okaaaayyy, so these ministers, they might ask for more you know, like moree.”
Toks: “You mean like a twosome (she meant threesome), that will be no problem.”
Gbemi: “I hope you have fine friends oh. Describe yourself.”
Toks: “Where do you live, we can meet up.”
Gbemi: “No just describe yourself.”
Toks: “Of course, they are fine. I’m tall, with big breast's, not too big sha but full breasts and a big ass, but not too big either.”
Gbemi: “Okay, well speak to my boyfriend.”

At this point Dan comes on the air with his American accent and she goes wild with a funky accent I can't exactly tell you the origins of

Dan: “Whats uuuuuuuuup, hiiiiiii, my friends are coming over from the US, hope you will show them a good time?”
Toks: “Whatss urrrp!!! Of course we will show derm a greeeaat time.”
Dan: “Really what are you gonna do to them?”
Toks: “Have you heard that song...what u gon do with all that breast all the breast inside that cherssttt, Im gon make you work work make you work he he haa he haaa, that’s what I’m gooina do to them”.
Dan: “Yeaaaahhhh cool, I like that, your going to make them old are you though? We have to make sure you are above a certain age”
Toks: " I'm twenrry two..........."

Not long after she is told she is being wound up on Cool FM and she screams so shrilly, including an expletive, that my ears hurt.

Is she really kidding me? She was ready to organise her girls for people she didn't even know.

The moral fabric of the Nigerian society has broken down.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Did you just do that?

Responding to Nkem’s blog on racism, I wanted to detail some of my experiences. I have been to a few countries and most times I didn't notice if I was being treated unfairly or not, I just went on with things knowing I was an alien and it would only be there temporarily till I got my degree and left as I was reminded in bold sentences on the application form each time I applied to extend my student Visa.

The first ever racist experience I had was in Bristol. I was on my way to the physiotherapist and the bus stop being almost a mile away from the hospital, I was taking a leisurely stroll. The next thing, two young jobless men walk past me and the wind carries a quiet Nigggaaaaa...Now I heard this but convinced myself I had dreamed it up. They wouldn't dare!! A few minutes later the cowards are quite a long way off and I about to enter the gates of the hospital and as clear as ever I hear a LOUD Nigga!!! No bloody way, the blood rushed to my head and my eyes stung but seeing as it was too late to do anything about it, which my end up with my getting stabbed anyway, I walk on with my head high.

Another incident occurred at my halls of residence. It was a six bedroom flat, with one shower and one bathroom. The oldest guy there, we will call him P, a right minger, dirty as could be, creepy as could be and tres irritating was the warden of the flat. The other four were all British, 3 girls and 1 guy. The other guy S was a geordie and had never spoken to a black person but we got along just fine. The girls were alright. My first year was hell as I didn't know any other Nigerians or black person for that matter and had to cope with Techno music..I'm blue dabble di dabbble die dabble di dabble die, which I eventually grew on me!!... drinking, accents, and generally dealing with the unfamiliar. I would just break down sometimes. I digress…Anyway one blessed day an argument broke out in the kitchen and at that point I wasn't interested so I didn't bother to check. Later that day, one of the girls came into my room and complained that the bath was always dirty. Only a few of us used the actual bath, I used it because I didn’t like getting my hair wet and P used it to soak his large body in. After soaking he would leave a massive ring of dirt where the water settled and which I would have to wash before I got in cos I couldn’t stand the sight of it. She then told me that P complained that I was the one leaving the brown dirt. At that point I was so mad because I had been silent about his dirty habits so long, then he had the audacity to make such a stupid and ignorant comment. I let loose on him, he really didn't know what hit him. He sure didn’t like being called racist. Needless to say, the bathroom was never dirty again.

My final story… After eight months in France, it was time to move unto the next leg of my course. We had a great time but it was time to say goodbye so I packed up my stuff which turned out to be too heavy to carry across borders, so I unpacked all my books and left them for my French landlady to do whatever she liked with them (when I first moved in she asked if Africans took showers). A few months later, I received an email from our course coordinator in France. Something along the lines of

Dear TMinx*,

Madame Pepe* has notified us that she has a few hangers missing. She says that hese hangers are wooden and very expensive. They have been in the family for a long time. Please quietly post the hangers and we will not have to take this further.


Monsieur Prat*.

I couldn't believe what I was reading. My suitcases were over the allowed weight limit and she thought I would steal her heavy wooden do exactly what with them? He sent two or more emails in the same light even though I confirmed that I didn't take any damn hangers. I responded saying

Dear Monsiuer PRATTTTT,

Please consider what you write before you send an email. Contrary to what you or M. Pepe may think, not all black people are kleptomaniacs. I am black does not equate to I am untrustworthy. Please inform her that I did not take her hangers, she was there watching when I was packing and there was no space for wooden heirlooms. Please do not send any further emails on this subject.



I have never heard from either of them again. Looking back she was watching me pack to check if I took anything.

*Not real names.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006


They are back! Styl plus has been slamming the radio waves with another hit song. I remember hearing Olufunmi and me and my girls killing the track, absolutely murdering it! We knew all the ooooo's and the ahhhh's and the duro duro baby mi, olufunmi jo woo ohhhh. Okay I’m not Yoruba so apologies for the spellings. It was love at first 'hear'. They have had a few more hits but went underground for a while and P-Square came and stole a bit of the limelight with Busybody but my boys are back with 'Imagine that' which isn't Olufunmi but gets me dancing all the same and of course singing along to the Yoruba lyrics ( I have no idea what I'm saying though!)

Their first full album is due for launch in Abuja on February 25 and in Lagos on March 4. Keep on rocking guys!


Imagine that, afi gba to se dandan pe ko se mo
Imagine that, pelu gbogbo ife ti mo fi fun
Imagine that, kilo fe ko sele simi to ba lo
Imagine that, to ba lo...
Imagine that, Imagine that

For those who understand, feel free to translate.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Be My V-A-L-E-N-T-I-N-E
All Year Long!
Author: Larry James
To be a special Valentine to your partner takes lots of energy, time, attention and Love. Let's all give some thought about who we are being in our relationship, what we can do to make them better and who we will have to become to have them be healthy and successful. Let's make EVERYDAY Valentine's Day for our partner.
Let's begin with the premise that relationships are something that must be worked on all the time, not only when they are broken and need to be fixed!
Here are a few ideas to get you started!

Validate. . .Your relationship with your partner must be an equal partnership; one that mutually supports each other in their dreams and visions of what is best for one another. Make it a point to let your partner know that you value their opinions, ideas and especially their feelings.Never say, "You shouldn't feel that way." Your partner's feelings are "their" feelings. At that moment in time it is their choice to feel that way. Listen with that understanding. If you must say something say, "I understand how you feel" and if it is appropriate, give them a big hug!

Attention. . .Paying attention to the "little things" is not always easy. It takes practice and it is one of the most important aspects of a successful and healthy love relationship. It is the little things that count. If left to simmer without attention, eventually they may erupt into major conflict.

Love. . .Be consistent in expressing your love for your partner in "words" and deeds. While the gift of a rose, a box of chocolates (unless they are on a diet) or a special greeting card is an expression of love, it is important for your love partner to HEAR the words, "I love you" at least once each day.

Enjoy. . .Make the best of being together. Be present when in the presence of your partner. Enjoy each precious moment. Couples who enjoy each other's company are happier and more satisfied with their relationship. Do fun things. Go fun places. Place a high priority on enjoying life together.

Nurture. . .To nurture is to nourish. Nourish one another with love. Encourage each other to openly communicate your needs. Accept your partner for who they are and support them in their individual needs and endeavors. Offer understanding by being an attentive listener. Acknowledge your partner's goodness!

Time. . .Spend "quality" time together. Make a promise to have a date with your mate no less than once each week. No excuses, please! (Ask a trusted friend to watch the children and return the favor at another time).Pretend you are on your very first date. Reminisce. Hold hands. Make eye contact. Talk. Really listen. Put aside the cares of the day and focus on your partner. Make each moment you are together. . . count!

Intention. . .We usually get what we place our intention upon. Synergize your intentions on what you want, never on what you do not want. The combined effect of two partners working together on similar things is much greater than the sum of individual effects.Highlight your intentions to one another and concentrate on the specifics of those intentions. Lovingly remind each other of your commitment to your intentions from time to time. Develop the willful intent to serve the well being of your partner. Work together on having the kind of relationship that you can be proud to be in.

Needs. . .We all have individual needs; to be loved, accepted, understood, trusted, respected, appreciated, encouraged and the list goes on. Acknowledging our needs and the needs of our love partner gives purpose to the relationship. Learn to express your needs in ways your partner can listen to and understand.
Erich Fromm once said. . . Immature love says, "I love you because I need you." Mature love says, "I need you because I love you." That is the difference between being needy and having needs. The problem is not that you need love, but that you depend on your partner to create love and happiness in your life. Giving up your responsibility for satisfying those needs is a mistake.

Energize. . .Breathe new life into your relationship each day by consistently focusing on new ideas that keeps the fire of love burning. Partners feel energized when both are dancing to the same tune. They feel a capacity for action to continue to do the things that brought them together in the first place.

All this great advice!! Now all I need to do is find me a man

Happy Valentines day Everyone!!!!

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Your Porn Star Name Is...
Afro Clam

Wednesday, February 08, 2006


I wonder if we are going to be able to manage this epidemic efficiently. I’m sure since foreign countries have a vested interest in this (seeing as it really is their best interest that the disease doesn’t become a serious pain in the butt to the world), we will have at least some support. But for these traders to be selling sick birds at half-pricee!! Those customers must be thinking.."Crikey what a bloody bargain we have ‘ere innit"..then the fever begins..God help us through this.

Thursday, February 02, 2006


It all began one humid day in the month of March. My friends and I received our posting letters and prepared to spend three weeks at the temporary Lagos camp at Iyanu-Paja. We packed up buckets, plates, cutlery, bed sheets, towels, toiletries etc. and made our way down to 'downtown' Lagos. It felt like we were 10 and starting secondary school all over again. The three weeks were a trial...terrible sanitary conditions, heat, heat and more heat but it wasn't all tears and torture. For some of the few days I managed not to escape from camp, I had a good time eating, drinking and dancing at the mami market, meeting people from all sorts of backgrounds, convincing the camp commandant that 'foreign corpers' were not all absconding, and that I actually slept at camp the whole time, generally having a laugh and hanging out. The escape attempts were perilous involving exchange of cash, impersonations and if you were really unlucky Nysc court to defend your case. It would have been easier to spend the three weeks with a bugle waking one up every morning for jogging and daily devotion, but where's the adventure in that I say? Nothing can compare to that adrenaline rush when some of us had to escape through the lonely back way with overgrown bushes in the dark. Classic

The next stage involved working at your designated place of assignment while attending community development (CD) one day a week. Of course the day had to be Friday and the chosen CD group was drama....lets see this involved going to the local government to assemble, gist for a while sign out CD cards and go home or back to work depending on your company’s leniency. Our drama group participated in 2 or so events before I gracefully backed out and joined a special CD created for mentoring secondary school kids. We worked quite a bit and played even more as we didn't need to appear at the Local Government anymore apart from once a month for clearance that one actually worked that month and general CD for all CD groups. It was an interesting group of people and we did have some good results. This part of the exercise made the whole experience worthwhile and not so much of a sham.

Finally February came and we finished off the bureaucratic process of filling a thousand and one forms and signing as well as obtaining various signatures. That one thing about NYSC, nothing is easy, every process has twenty steps. Everything is manual and paper based. The final week has come and gone, we got on uncountable 'queues' (Nigerians don't understand the word, and the saying if you can't beat them, join them soooo applies or u'll end up waiting forever. It's survival of the fittest over hurr), practiced marching for the passing out parade, listened to talks here and there designed to prepare us for the real world. We 'voluntarily' (I use this very loosely cause there's a thin line between that and blackmail for the Certificate) paid for year books, donated to foundations we did not support etc. etc. all in the name of this flimsy certificate that bears my name and the year I served. If I lose this certificate, that’s it! Only one copy will ever be made, so you see it’s so precious.

My dad suggested we take pics with me in my uniform and something to do with Guardian Newspaper…I zoned off. I choose to believe he was joking.

To those of you who had to stay back 2 more months for various reasons including, getting pregnant, forging the ZI's signature, not going through the monthly clearance or attending CD, not being fully kitted at the appropriate time, etc. My heart goes out to you.

For the rest of us, it’s all over! We are legal working citizens in our country! I can apply for a job with a fatter salary package! We never have to see Eti-Osa! We never have to sing:

Youths obey the clarion call
Let us lift our Nation high
Under the sun or in the rain
With dedication and selflessness
Nigeria is ours, Nigeria we serve. (Or as some said sarvvvvvvv)

To you all, a hearty CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!