Lagos LASTMA

I made it to work today….I had to ask popsie for fuel money while my mum daggered me with intense looks :). He’s my DADDY! Lol. She hates the fact that I don’t carry cash on me, I’m still not used to having so much cash in my bag. Whatever I take out usually finishes quite quickly. Money is so easy to spend when It's in your hand. Then the traffic was horrendous. There are various road works going on in Lekki and on the Island. To get from Ocean view to Eko Hotel takes an hour right now!

This is a befitting time to tell you all about my LASTMA experiences. These people are a pain! They are meant to make sure we all follow traffic rules and ease traffic congestion etc. In Nigeria there are several uniforms, Traffic wardens (orange and black), Police (Black), LASTMA officials (tan and wine), Army (army green), Area Boys collecting money from public transport vehicles (bright yellow), then there are others that I know not what they do but wear assorted uniforms. All I know is that they are out to get theirs. They don't just give you a ticket like it should be, they haul your car to their station and suck out your life savings and waste your time or you can bribe them and they'll let you go. The first option is not worth it

I will detail my only two experiences. The two vary drastically because when I am first faced with a difficult situation, my first reaction is always frustration which 60% of the time, leads to tears no matter how I hard I try not to, its quite sad. The second time I’m faced with the same situation, it’s not pretty. In my first year of secondary school, I had a school mother in SS2 who I one day teased about never giving me goodies as the other school mothers did. Hey I’m only human. The next day I received a letter with every insult in this world you can think of in English, written in different coloured pens on a sheet of paper, addressed to me. I cried. A few days later, she called to see why I hadn’t come to visit her and I promptly told her I didn’t want a school mother anymore. There were interrogations, punishments, amebo influences from her friends etc, but I didn’t budge. She had KILLED the love. She was surprised I never cried which she moaned about, sadist. I've seen her after that, it was all childhood experiences I guess. I digress.

LASTMA ENCOUNTER PART 1

So one blessed morning I decided to use a quick route to get to work. If anyone goes via CMS/Bonicamp, you know there was a time there were no barriers. You could come from Onikan and join the cars going to Bonicamp instead of going up the bridge to Awolowo, Ikoyi sec etc. Well yours truly didn’t know it was a ‘military zone’ for military cars only. Military cars my A$$. Danfos and every Tope, Deji and Hilary take that route but of course I look like a JJC so as I was winding my way round the bend to join the traffic, a dude jumped in from of my car. At first I thought he was an agbero cos he wasn’t wearing the uniform. He told me to wind down….

ERROR NO 1 NEVER WIND YOUR WINDOW DOWN.

He asked me for my military pass and I asked him ‘You what?’ lol. I had no idea what he was on about. He said if I wasn’t part of the military, I had to park. On a side note there were several civilian cars and Danfos going by at this point. So he directed me to park on the bridge then I opened the door and he jumped into the passenger’s side. If I had any sense I would have kept driving up the bridge cos it was free but as I said JJC.

ERROR NO 2 NEVER OPEN THE DOOR

He listed my offences and asked if I hadn’t seen the sign which was in an obscure place and I said I hadn’t. “Well its there and your fine is 25,000”. By then frustration was setting in and the tears were welling up. Such a baby right? She disgraces me a lot. Anyways cutting it short cos I feel like I’ve blogged about this before, I ended up giving him a 'fine' of N5,000 so he wouldn’t ‘tow my car to the station’ and he let me go.

ERROR NO 3 NEVER SAY HOW MUCH YOU HAVE, N1000 is the most you should give if it gets to that stage.

LASTMA ENCOUNTER PART DEUX

After relating my experience to others, I was given the tope tips with dealing with these predators.

1. Don’t stop if you don’t have to.

2. Don’t wind down.

3. Lock your doors always

I didn’t think I was bold enough to take heed to the advice, but I had been hardened after the first experience. They would never get the best of me again.

I had appointment on the island and was running late. As I approach Akponbon, my phone rings and as I raise it up to answer, one dude in the LASTMA uniform jumps out from nowhere and stands in front of my car. He motions at the phone and uses his two hands to suggest I stop and park. I slow down and immediately put the phone down. I apologise with my hands and try to move on. He shakes his head saying I have to park so I move the car just a little bit forward. He warns me again saying I must stop. At this point there are no more cars in front of me so the only thing in my way is this dude. I inch forward. He calls his boy and they both stand in front of the car. YOU DON”T KNOW ME. I’m getting angry at this point. I didn’t even talk into the phone, I just picked it up! So with all the anger in me, I REVVVVVVVVVVVVV the car engine (lol, the car has issues, it doesn't move immediately when you accelerate), and those two dudes...? I’m sure they’d win in an Olympic 100m sprint. SUCKEEEEEERS.

NOTE TO YOUNGNS: DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME. PLEASE LET YOUR CAR BE TOWED AND PAY THE FINE. THANKS

How was you weekend? I went out Saturday night to the new Lounge next to Bacchus also owned by the management of Bacchus. 6 Degrees North. It’s very very nice. Make sure you go when you are in Lagos.