Repeat after me
Marriage is not a bed of roses
Marriage is not a bed of roses
Marriage is not a bed of roses
Did you get that? If it didn't sink in please repeat till it does.
If you are on the outside looking in, it looks like paradise. A husband looking into his wifes eyes, holding her, kissing her, whispering sweet nothings in her ear. Yes it looks good. You figure it will be nice to have someone whos yours, to tell you he loves you, to hold your hand, to laugh and joke with, to keep you company, to support you, to share secrets with, to just BE with.
Oh and for some, to have someone who just showers you with gifts and money.Why not? Sikira's husband just bought her a 'brown' new flat in Lekki and see Happiness, her husband suprised her on valentines day with a Jeep. Heeeeeeeeeyy! Marriage is sweet oh! It shows he loves her so much. Me I go love oh! (Please why do people say that. It sounds so....wrong)
The reason we have people who have experienced life before us is to learn from their experiences. How can we keep making the same mistakes over and over again? Yes. if you didn't know, nothing happening now has not happened before. The way they happen may be different, but the basic story is always the same.
A friend asked her friend how married life was and she responded "Marriage is overrated!' Several bloggers complain about their marriages in anonimity. People are getting emotionally and physically abused all the time.Spouses are bored and unfaithful and divorces are on the increase.
Before you decide to take that vow...OPEN YOUR EYES.
WRONG REASONS FOR GETTING MARRIED
I'll summarize a book I read ages ago by Barbara DeAngelis.
Don't get married
....because you are under Pressure (aka don't listen to your mother lol). No one is going into the marriage with you. Guess who has to deal with it all? Yes you.
...out of Desperation (aka don't be a desperado). Everyone has standards, if you value yourself, if you have some self-esteem, you won't compromise..Now its a whole different story if your standards are unrealistic.
...because of Sexual Hunger (aka everyone gets gragged). Its a cycle, it will pass.
...because of guilt. Just because you have been with someone for years or you owe them for something they did for you does not justify marriage. Neither does being pregnant.
...because you are not happy with your life. Worst thing you can do. Address your issues first, and be happy with your emotional and spiritual life before trying to be with someone else.
...because you need someone to provide for you- financially, emotionally, spiritually. Your happiness will depend on the actions of someone else.
LOVE IS CONFUSING
This word called Love. Since Love is so hard to explain and is different for so many people, I'd rather say what love isn't.
Love isn't lust. You can be attracted to several people, some even intensly. Because a certain someone has cute eyes, or a sexy body or Matthew Mcconaughey's dimples..(you haven't noticed? WHAT? Sacrilege), this doesn't mean you are in Love.
Love does not happen overnight. Bobo sees Sisi across the room in a club filled with people shaking their thing(s)...imagine, all the way from across the room and yet there was that connection. His eyes caught hers, theres something there. It was meant to be! No, thats not all it takes.
You don't have your 'ONE' true love waiting for you somewhere obscure.
Love is not all you need. Yes I know that Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman stood at the top of a building and screamed 'ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE'. Tsk tsk Moulin Rouge. You need more.
SO WHAT SHOULD ONE LOOK OUT FOR
Spot those Fatal Flaws... There are several examples in the book including incompatibility (for some- religion etc), lack of sexual chemistry and compatibility (sexual dysfunction), past emotional trauma, addictions, character flaws (anger, emotional problems, control freak), and co-dependency. Don't try to rescue anyone, you are not a Saviour.
Spot the Deal Breakers...if you don't like smokers, don't date/marry a smoker. Simple as that. There are things you just can't deal with and when you are married these annoying characteristics will only annoy you more. Don't go into a relationship/marriage expecting the person to change. Some people have deal breaker lists which they verbalize to their significant others (when the time is right of course...I envision a lass clearing her throat and reading out a long list as the credits of the movie roll by). Be subtle.
Make a list of what you want in a partner. It makes sense to know what you want rather that to blow with the wind. You can use this guage your compatibility. Are you compatible spiritually, emotionally (open, comminucates, handles conflict well etc, attitude) , socially (out-going, reserved etc), sexually, physically (smokes or not, keeps fit etc, hobbies), financially (financial goals, ambition, debt etc).
A list is one thing, real life is another because nobody is perfect, no one is going to meet 100% of your criteria, you have to give room for that. A lot of times people make lists of what they want but don't actually have most of the qualities they are looking for. Its important to constantly work on yourself too.
MARRIAGE IS WORK
So with Love and compatibility present, two people coming together as one is a wonderful thing. One final thing is Commitment.
Weddings are beautiful, people all around you planning, planning, planninnnggg and then celebrating, then honeymooning. Then its over! Back to reality. Time for the marriage to really begin. Its you and your man- for life.
This is where all the lessons begin and hopefully if you lay the foundation right, you both will be able to deal with both the great times and the not so great times.
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